Monthly Archives: February 2014

Random but possibly valuable advice for avoiding an embarrassing moment at work

Posted in Random Stories by

Odds are, if you are going to walk around with red furry handcuffs and a vibrator in your purse, someone is going to find out.

mag3737 / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

It will most likely be your boss.  I know because it happened to me.

It was a long time ago, thank goodness, but the memory is one of those ones that stay fresh like the day it happened.

It was the day of my summer work party. A group event away from the office that would start with a pep talk from a few executives (and some deadly boring Power Points as it turned out) followed by cocktails, snacks and a major league baseball game.

I hadn’t been to a lot of corporate ‘parties’ so even though attendance was mandatory (never a promising sign I’ve since learned), I was looking forward to a night out!

I was the property manager of a small shopping centre in one of the ritziest areas in town. I had one last meeting before it was time to head down to the stadium for the party. The meeting was with a restaurant tenant.

My tenant and I were discussing something surprisingly contentious, like why the restaurant can not use passenger elevators for transporting garbage (property management is a strange business and you need to worry about all sorts of things you normally wouldn’t think of like the total foulness and wear and tear of garbage on elevators etc). The owner’s son, who ran a catering and events off-shoot of the restaurant, came into the meeting room.

“Hey Christine,” said the son, totally not caring that he was interrupting. He handed me a buzzing envelope. “You’re invited to the Naughty Girl wine launch.”

Huh?

I opened the envelope, and emptied it onto the table. It was a vibrator. It was shaking all over the table.  An invitation was attached to it with furry read handcuffs.
Father and son thought this was hilarious! They could barely contain themselves.

I had no idea how to react but tried for cool indifference, fumbling to turn the thing off. It was ricocheting off the table and making an unbelievable racket.

It was incredibly awkward!

“Seriously though,” said the son when he had stopped giggling. “What do you think? These are our invitations for Naughty Girl Wine. We’ve sent them to all the media.” He was quite proud.

“Wow.” I answered shaking my head, still wrestling the jittery sex toy to find the ‘off’ switch.

I finally succeeded and the buzzing stopped.

I could feel that my face was bright red but I was still aiming for ‘unruffled’ to show my tenants how cool and in control I was.

I looked at my phone and saw that it was time to end the meeting. I had to get to the summer party! Excellent timing. I needed to get out of there!

I threw the ‘invitation’ in my purse and headed back to my office to meet up with my team.

We made it to the Dome just in time and lined up to show our tickets so we could get to the private box that had been rented for the party.

Everyone was there, my boss and his boss were right behind me. The receptionist from my office was immediately beside me. I don’t remember who was ahead of me but as I watched them go through, I realized that my bag would be checked and remembered about the “invitation”.

I dangled the bag low, close to the ground and held the ticket out with my other hand, hoping to slip through unchecked.

“Miss.” the bag checking security lady called gently. Then, “MISS! I NEED TO CHECK YOUR BAG.” Her tone was a little menacing and it was clear that I was going to have to let her search my bag OR ELSE. Everyone sort of stirred and drew closer to find out what was causing the commotion.

And that was it. There it was for all to see. My boss. My receptionist. Everyone.

The one and only time that I have walked around with anything like the ‘invitation’ in my purse was also the one day that my bag would be publicly searched in front of my boss.

What are the odds?

I should have added a cowboy! My failed career as a romance author

Posted in DPChallenge, Writing by

A long time ago, shortly after finishing school, I decided to write a book.

My plan was simple:

    1. compose a steamy romance novel – one that everyone would love
    2. sell it
    3. get paid enough money to buy a laptop and move somewhere hot where I would crank out a novel every few months and enjoy life.

This ‘plan’ was not based on a love of romance literature but I was young and overly optimistic with a crappy job and no real career plan. Although I’d never written anything longer than a short story before, I thought: How hard can it be? 

My sister’s friend, an intern at Harlequin, gave me a pile of books for inspiration along with this piece of advice: “Cowboys and babies are very hot right now. Put them in your book if you can.”

Chircosta / Foter / Public domain

I didn’t (and still don’t) know much about cowboys and frankly, saddle-crushed testicles and rope play kind of turn me off. So, despite my enormous confidence about this project, I knew I could not write a cowboy with authenticity or enthusiasm. I just couldn’t add a cowboy.

Despite their apparent popularity in romance novels, anyone who has ever met a baby knows they are vicious passion killers. I didn’t have much experience with babies but I had been one and had looked after a few so I felt knowledgeable enough to add a baby to my story. I wrote ‘BABY’ on a piece of paper.

It was a start.

I read my way through my stack of romance books and noticed a few common elements that seemed to be mandatory:

1. The first time the man is truly attracted to the woman she is almost always either:

a: in disguise

b: in peril

c: unconscious or otherwise debilitated

As a feminist, almost everything about this romance ‘element’ offended me.

As a pragmatist who wanted a laptop and a sunny life, I let it go.

I tripped Lauren (my leading lady and recently divorced mother of a very cute baby who has just moved home to the family farm) over her dog. (I was certain that if readers like babies, they would love a cute Golden Retriever!) Drew, the handsome next door neighbour/vineyard owner (Lauren’s former childhood crush who’d barely even noticed she was alive when they were kids) caught her just in time in his strong, tanned arms (hero’s arms are always strong and tanned) so she was okay if a bit flustered by his manliness.

2. The man has an interesting, high-profile or heroic job.

My former-boy-next-door-turned-hot-beast-next-door converted his family farm to a vineyard and was committed to ‘making top notch wine at reasonable prices’. Interesting, useful AND heroic. Check, check and check!

3. The mother of the romantic protagonist is almost always dead.

Why does the mother have to die?  I don’t know but she does. With few exceptions, most romantic heroines are motherless women with fathers of varying degrees of uselessness.

Although I was fascinated by the mystery of the dead and missing mothers, I didn’t dwell on it.

I dispatched the mother, and the grandmother too (because, if killing the mother is good, I assumed that doubling down with a dead grandmother was even better).

One benefit of the carnage was that it provided a reason for Lauren (and her very cute baby!) to come back to the old farmhouse when she inherited it from her grandmother – rest her soul – who had been her refuge from her annoying step-mother and weak father after her mother’s untimely demise.

4. The love birds come dangerously close to being driven apart by mistrust and misunderstanding. Always. Usually because they don’t ask questions and just leap to conclusions.

I’d watched television my whole life and was very familiar with the concept.

Was Drew only interested in Lauren’s land? She assumed the worst when she learned of his plans to expand the vineyard. Of course she didn’t ask him – that would be crazy and would screw up the word count!

With those ‘must have’ components, I had my outline.

I’d planned to complete my first draft in a month but it was much tougher and slower than expected. I eventually finished a first draft after about four months and immediately went to work trying to get published.

I hadn’t worried that publishers might not want my book. But when I started sending out queries, I quickly learned that they didn’t even want to see it!

Turned down by five publishers, it became clear that life as a famous author on the beach might not happen (and that I should have added a cowboy!!!) but I was glad I wrote it because I had proved to myself that I could.

In the end, my romance novel was read only by me and a handful of friends (one of them cried which made me unbelievably happy) and eventually packed away, in a binder, on a shelf in a cupboard with old photo albums and games with missing pieces.

I came across it the other day while trying to find the pink Hungry Hippo face. I flipped through the pages and remembered my ‘plan’ and it made me smile.

 

Vomit roulette and other travel fun

Posted in Parent Category by

Whoever said  ‘getting there is half the fun’ clearly never traveled with small children.

From the terrible cold-sweat feeling of trying to silence an irate toddler on a packed plane, to the panicked horror of hearing your retching child*, travel can be rough! (* The panicked horror of recognition is not a problem the first time it happens because the first time, you just think it’s a cough. You have no idea what is coming. That time, you just end up queasy and dazed, outside a Tim Hortons, trying to clean up with a golf towel and some bottled water, thinking about selling your car but knowing that no one in their right mind would ever buy it now.)

I’ve survived these and worse and I have learned to be prepared. Over-prepared and then even more prepared than that.

But no matter how prepared you are,when you’re going traveling with the family, something is going to take you by surprise and probably not in a good way. You have to go with it and try your best to make it fun. Here are a few of the ways we try to stay cheerful:

Vomit Roulette

For car trips, my husband and I lay odds with each other on where, when and from whom car sickness will erupt. This makes the whole ride a little more interesting and, if the worst happens, at least someone gets to be right. If it doesn’t, we are perfectly happy to be wrong. For example: on our last long car trip – Christmas trek from Toronto to Ottawa (normally a four and a half hour drive that took eight and a half!!) – I predicted that the puker would be Eloise, before Whitby. My husband called Hazel in Belleville. I ‘won’. So at least I had that.

I Spy

Great for cars, trains or airports, a little game of ‘I Spy’ can kill as much as fifteen minutes and can be played pretty much anywhere. If you decide to start a game of ‘I spy’, I strongly recommend setting the rules to exclude other people to avoid shouted clues like: “I spy with my little eye…..A WITCH-LADY WITH A SCARY MOUSTACHE” (hint: she is always sitting immediately beside or across from you ). ‘I Spy’ will distract them, but by round three, a tantrum may start to feel appealing.

Is that a statue or a real kid?

Good for rest stops or waiting at the airport, this game is all about making your kids stand still (and silent) while you try to figure out if they are a statue or a real kid. I learned about this one from my sister. The big plus with this one is the silence and it never fails to make them laugh. The drawback is that you have to participate like crazy (repeatedly asking, “HEY! Is that a STATUE? or is that a REAL KID?” and poking at them etc) or the game will fizzle.

Hop on the spot

This is a decent time killer but louder than ‘Is that a statue or a real kid?’. The trick here is to find a corner (anywhere off the main path as far from others as you can manage at whatever airport, train station or rest stop that has become your temporary hell) and throw down a challenge. Start by creating a boundary and make a contest. Who can hop on one foot longest? Can you do 20 jumping jacks? How about jumping straight up and down? etc. Do this until they are complaining about being tired then offer a prize and do it some more. They will be worn out which is what you want for the next portion or your trip. There is no downside to this one unless you have a sore loser. In which case, be sure to have everyone win a category.

The main thing is to remember that you will get to your destination eventually and hope that no one wins at Vomit Roulette.

Things I thought I would never say but said today before 11:15AM

Posted in Parent Category, Uncategorized by

Before I had children, I had all sorts of ideas about how it would be. I pictured myself as a serene, endlessly patient mother, usually wearing something white and billowy (it was my imagination, I can’t help the cliche!), laughing happily with my babies around me (perfectly behaved, snot and puke free of course!) most likely under a leafy tree or in a meadow.

I didn’t imagine repeating myself endlessly, or giving time outs, or that wearing white would be courting disaster.

Obviously I was disabused of most of my crazy notions within 30 minutes of the birth of my first child and the rest shortly after. But one of the biggest surprises I have had are the things that I hear myself say when I actually stop and listen to the words that come out of my mouth. Words I never thought I would utter. Ever.

For example, here are some things I said today before 11:15AM.

1. “Poor you! You bit your finger? Again?” I am beginning to get concerned about this one. It happens A LOT. And she always reacts like it is the first time…

2. “Do I have to put you to bed right now?” It was 9:45AM and I meant it.

3. “I think I just stepped in scrambled egg.” This is unusual only in that we did not eat scrambled eggs this morning. Or yesterday. Gross. Where did it come from???

As usual, there was no white flowy outfit. No leafy tree.

There was just one kid with a sore finger, another one complaining repeatedly about breakfast, and me with a foot-full of scrambled egg.