Tag Archives: Creative Commons

Parenting Like an 80s Drug Lord

Posted in Parent Category by

“Is this the real stuff?” my daughter asks warily.

What she wants to know is: ‘Has it been cut?’

She is right to be suspicious because that is what I do. I cut the product.

I wasn’t always this sneaky.

Maybe she did know what she was missing!

Maybe she did kind of know what she was missing!

My first child was virtually refined ‘sugar-free’ for a long time.
Family members grumbled and made comments like, “What are you going to give her for Easter? An avocado?” But the world is a sugary place and it couldn’t go on forever…. Once she tasted the sweet stuff, I knew the golden era of perfect eating was over.

That was okay, but I still wanted to keep things as healthy as possible.

I got the idea from a re-run of Miami Vice – an easy way to shrink the sugar intake was to make like a sleazy kingpin and cut the goods. It was a eureka moment in an otherwise sluggish, too-tired/lazy to turn off the TV and go to bed situation.

There was a learning curve and if I really were a drug lord I would’ve been killed and left in an alley long ago (hundreds of times over). Fortunately, my product is much more benign (cereal, flavoured yogurt, and juice) and duping my ‘clients’ isn’t dangerous.

It is all about finding the perfect ratio.

Mix plain Cheerios with sweet treat Honey Nut ones at 50/50 and you’re golden. It is still a ‘treat’ cereal. They don’t get it often but when they do, it is half as bad and just as tasty. Go 60/40 and you’ll get complaints so why even bother?

Yogurt is the same. Two tablespoons of plain mixed with two tablespoons of the fruit-flavoured ones (that would more accurately be described as pudding) is truly delicious. The alternative is serving all plain with a generous teaspoon of jam and letting them mix their own.

With juice the ratio is more like 80/20 juice to water. Any more water, and the kids start to get cranky. I’ve pushed the limits and that is why my two-year old insists on watching like a hawk when I pour the good stuff.

“Pour it here!’ she shouts. “I want to seeeeee!!!!”

“You need to relax,” I tell her. “Hey, is that a squirrel out there?” She’s no fool but the second she looks away, I am going to add some water.

In the words of Tony Montana: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

What other things can be ‘cut’ and still taste great? Does anyone else do this? Does anyone have any other valuable insights from the criminal underworld? Please share your thoughts.

Los Angeles 101

Posted in LA Story by

minnemom / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-ND 2.0)

When my husband phoned from work to tell me his company had asked us to relocate to Los Angeles, I was excited by the idea of a big adventure and consistently warm weather. And I was horrified at the prospect of leaving our family and friends. I was also completely terrified about earthquakes, guns (I am Canadian!) and Lindsay Lohan. And my husband wasn’t exactly selling it when he told me I would have to take a road test to be allowed to drive there.

It was a big, angst-ridden process but we decided to embrace the adventure.

It has been two months since that phone call and I’ve now been to Los Angeles four times (very briefly) to try to find a place to live.

Here is what I know so far:

  1. The traffic is outrageous. Toronto has a traffic problem (mostly construction related) but Los Angeles has taken traffic to a whole new level and made it a way of life. This is why (I think) they seem to be constantly texting/eating/hair-dressing/doing yoga while driving – when else would they do it???

    2. Continue reading →

Dark Cloud

Posted in Random Stories by

Dimit®i / Foter / Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)

Dark Cloud slumped into my office before I had a chance to pick up the phone and fake a call. She flopped into a chair, looked at me with her signature doughy pout, and sighed.

I knew how this worked. I lived it at least once a week.

Dark Cloud would invade my office and huff. I was supposed to ask what was wrong. And then she would tell me.

She was either annoyed, frustrated, irked or offended. At everyone. Most often because someone had asked her to actually do her job. The conversations were more airing of grievances than discussions.

When she’d had her fill of belly-aching, she would slow-stomp past the terrified assistants and slam her door.

Later in the day, she would send some passive aggressive emails and make accusatory comments about who had eaten the last cookie (yes, it was usually me).

On the days when she didn’t bother me directly, she still managed to cause trouble, sowing misery in the office by ruling the supply cupboard with a tight iron fist or demanding excruciating detail for the smallest petty cash request.

I couldn’t fire her. I couldn’t even get her out of my office.

But that day, I refused to be manipulated into speaking.

I sat silent. It was a standoff. It was petty and childish and far from crack leadership but I’d had it. She was too much work.

She huffed again.

I cocked my head and widened my eyes, cursing my body for betraying me by wordlessly catering to her brattiness.

“I’m in love,” she breathed. “SOOOO in love.”

“Well, that’s great,” I answered. I was surprised. An electric eel would be easier to love. “Um, congratulations?”

Why was she telling me this? Why couldn’t she just get out of my office?

I was sort of amazed, and sort of revolted like that time when KFC announced that insane sandwich.

double down bacon and chicken

“I met him online. We both enjoy swimming. It is so intense!”

Kill me now!

I admit I was thinking of setting a small fire to escape as she droned on about how they both despised their stupid co-workers but loved cats and how she needed to be where he was. Out west. ‘In love’ Dark Cloud was just as awful as ‘Bitter and Hostile Dark Cloud’.

“So I have to quit,” she finally said, in a sorrowful apologetic voice.

It was time to listen properly!

“I know it’ll be tough without me but I have to do this,” she said.

I bit the inside of my cheek to clamp down the joy. “Well, if you’re sure…”

The Dark Cloud was on the horizon and headed away.

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